From: SNAMMP Pilato
Subject: PULP WARS (2)
Date: 1999/06/03
Organization: The Spanish Inquisition (no one expects it)
Newsgroups: rec.sport.football.college
Sigh...this lab gets more and more boring every day. Thanks to the
virtues of copy-and-paste, and the God-fearing Micro-Emacs editor, I bring
you.....
PULP WARS
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jabba the Hutt's Wife
Against black, TITLE carD:
"Obi-Wan Kenobi
AND
JABBA the Hutt'S WIFE"
FADE IN:
9. MEDIUM SHOT - Darth Maul 9.
We FADE UP on Darth Maul, a slim, 26-year-old
prizefighter. Darth Maul sits at a table wearing a red and blue
high imperial school athletic jacket. Talking to him OFF SCREEN is
everybody's boss Jabba the Hutt. The Hutt sounds like
a cross between a gangster and a king.
JABBA (OffScreen)
I think you're gonna find -- when
all this shit is over and done -- I
think you're gonna find yourself
one smilin' mother%^&$er. Thing is
Darth Maul, right now you got ability.
But painful as it may be, ability
don't last. Now that's a hard
mother%^&$in' fact of life, but
it's a fact of life your ass is
gonna hafta git realistic about.
This business is filled to the brim
with unrealistic mother%^&$ers who
thought their ass aged like Jawa wine.
Besides, even if you went all the
way, what would you be? Bantha-
weight champion of the world. Who
gives a shit? I doubt you can even
get an imperial credit card based on that.
A hand lays an envelope full of credits on the table in front of
Darth Maul. Darth Maul picks it up.
JABBA (OS)
Now the night of the fight, you may
fell a slight sting, that's pride
%^&$in' wit ya. %^&$ pride! Pride
only hurts, it never helps. Fight
through that shit. 'Cause a year
from now, when you're kickin' it in
the Endor system, you're gonna say,
"JABBA the Hutt was right."
Darth Maul
I got no problem with that.
JABBA (OS)
In the fifth, your ass goes down.
Darth Maul nods his head: "yes."
JABBA (OS)
Say it!
Darth Maul
In the fifth, my ass goes down.
CUT TO:
10. INT. speeder (MOVING) - DAY 10.
Obi-Wan Kenobi looks really cool behind the wheel of a 19264
cherry-red Chevy Landspeeder convertible. From the speeder radio,
TUSKENBILLY MUSIC PLAYS. The b.g. is a COLORFUL PROCESS SHOT.
11. EXT. TALLY LeDOY'S - DAY 11.
Tally LeDoy's is a large topless bar by Mos Eisley that JABBA
owns.
Obi-Wan's classic Landspeeder WHIPS into the near empty parking lot
and parks next to a white Tarkin Civic.
Obi-Wan knocks on the door. The front entrance is unlocked,
revealing the Dapper Dan fellow on the inside: BOCCE GREEDO.
GREEDO isn't really BOCCE, he's a young green man from Balaudwin
Park, who has run a few clubs for JABBA, including Tally
LeDoy's.
BOCCE GREEDO
Obi-Wan Kenobi, our man on Alderaan,
git your ass on in here.
Obi-Wan, carrying the black briefcase from the scene between
Obi-Wan and Mace, steps inside. BOCCE GREEDO SLAMS the door
in our faces.
12. INT. Tally LeROY'S - DAY 12.
The spacious club is empty this time of day. BOCCE GREEDO
crosses to the bar, and Obi-Wan follows.
Obi-Wan
Where's the big man?
BOCCE GREEDO
He's over there, finishing up some
business.
Obi-Wan'S POV:
Darth Maul shakes hands with a huge figure with his back to us.
The huge figure is the infamous and as of yet still UNSEEN
JABBA.
BOCCE GREEDO (OS)
Hand back for a second or two, and
when you see the white boy leave,
go on over. In the meanwhile, can
I make you an Ewok espresso?
Obi-Wan
How 'bout a cup of just plain ol'
Tatooine Tea?
BOCCE GREEDO
Comin' up. I hear you're taking
Gardulla out tomorrow?
Obi-Wan
At JABBA' request.
BOCCE GREEDO
Have you met Gardulla?
Obi-Wan
Not yet.
BOCCE GREEDO smiles to himself.
Obi-Wan
What's so funny?
BOCCE GREEDO
Not a goddamn thing.
Obi-Wan
Look, I'm not a idiot. She's the
big man's %^&$in' wife. I'm gonna
sit across a table, chew my food
with my mouth closed, laugh at her
jokes and that's all I'm gonna do.
BOCCE GREEDO puts Obi-Wan's tea in front of him.
BOCCE GREEDO
My name's Paul, and this is between
y'all.
Darth Maul bellies up to the bar next to Obi-Wan, drinking his cup
of "plain ol' Tatooine."
Darth Maul
(to BOCCE GREEDO)
Can I get a pack'a Red Snapples?
BOCCE GREEDO
Filters?
Darth Maul
Non.
While Darth Maul waits for his smokes, Obi-Wan just sips his
tea, staring at him. Darth Maul looks over at him.
Darth Maul
Lookin' at somethin', friend?
Obi-Wan
I ain't your friend, palooka.
Darth Maul does a slow burn toward Obi-Wan.
Darth Maul
What was that?
Obi-Wan
I think ya heard me just fine,
punchy.
Darth Maul turns his body to Obi-Wan, when...
JABBA (OS)
Obi-Wan Kenobi has entered the
building, git your ass over here!
Obi-Wan walks forward OUT OF FRAME, never giving Darth Maul another
glance. We DOLLY INTO CU on Darth Maul, left alone in the FRAME,
looking like he's ready to go into the manners-teaching
business.
Darth Maul'S POV:
Obi-Wan hugging and kissing the obscured figure that is
JABBA.
Darth Maul makes the wise decision that if this asshole's a friend
of JABBA, he better let it go -- for now.
BOCCE GREEDO (OS)
Pack of Red Snapples, that's 4 credits.
Darth Maul is snapped out of his ass-kicking thoughts. He pays
BOCCE GREEDO and walks out of the SHOT.
++
np
Back to the Literature Menu